Regrets
by jamieandeddie4ever
Summary: Just a little something I would have liked to see when Eddie got shot. Better summary inside. This will be a bit angsty and in this version - Eddie's vest did not prevent her from getting shot. What would happen to Jamie if Eddie was in the hospital, shot and unconscious? What would he do? What would he think? What would he say to her? 6/11/18 - updated Chapter 1 :-)
1. Chapter 1

_**Regrets**_

 _ **6/11/18 Update: First, I want to thank each and every one of you that have reviewed this story. It means the world to me. Reviews are so important because not only do you feel appreciated for your work but also it can point out flaws in your stories or elements that are missing. I made a huge faux paus with this story – I forgot to put Joe's death as something that has shaped Jamie to who he is today and also I neglected to point out in this story how much it affected him. So thank you (dixiekittyva and Beepmybanana) for pointing this out. You guys are absolutely right. And because of that I have updated this chapter. I hope you guys enjoy the add on's (which may be minimal) but I think that they are crucial if I want to write Jamie…well as Jamie!**_

 _ **So I've been toying with this fic for a while now. It will be based out of Eddie getting shot and Jamie never having told her he loved her prior (8X18 – Friendship, Love and Loyalty). It will be an alternate reality. The only thing based on the show will be how she got shot and everything that happened between them prior to the episode.**_

 _ **As always, I do not own Blue Bloods. I am just Jamko obsessed now. And these thoughts on how their lives are, were and should be keep swirling around in my head. And I just have to write them down.**_

 _ **Jamko…Jamko….Jamko…Jamko**_

The sound of those gunshots kept playing over and over in Jamie's head. The way Eddie had fallen to the ground, the loud thump as she landed at the bottom of the stairs. His abject fear when he saw her laying there. The way it had seemed an eternity as he ran towards her. And as he reached her and fell to his knees, he slid his gun out, prepared to kill anyone that would further threaten her.

For a second he had thought that the bullet may have lodged in her vest and he was praying to God for that. But when his hand started searching the surrounding area where the vest had not protected her, he felt something warm and he looked down. _**Blood**_. She had been hit. And his heart sank and his eyes were filled with the horror that his partner, the woman that he loved above everything else, was laying before him bleeding. Shot. In pain. Scared. And dying.

As he came back to the present, Jamie turned to look at her laying in the hospital bed and he felt like crying. Again. He didn't know how many tears he had shed since he got into the ambulance with her and ran with the doctors and nurses as they wheeled her into the OR. He would have gone inside the OR if they hadn't stopped him. He recalled putting up a fight and demanding to go in. Two security guards had to come and hold him back. He had been out of his mind. Eddie had been unconscious and bleeding and she hadn't opened her eyes to tell him everything was going to be okay. She had to be okay. She had to be. She had to be. She had to be. That single thought kept playing in his mind on repeat.

All of this had happened a few hours ago. He had been alone maybe for an hour or so but then everyone - all the Reagan's - had been with him outside in the waiting room. Yet he spoke to no one. Not yet. He couldn't speak. He couldn't even get up off the chair for fear that he would fall to the ground and not be able to get up. Fear did that to you. Fear of losing the one person that you loved yet never had told. Fear that you wouldn't have the opportunity anymore. Fear that you would regret for the rest of your godforsaken life how much of a coward you had been.

His family knew him well and let him be. Thankfully. Frank, Henry, Danny, Erin, Nikki, the boys, everyone was here. Yet he looked at none of them. He also had no way of knowing that most of the cops that they interfaced with day in and day out were out in the main lobby just waiting for news. At this point, he didn't care. He would let his family deal with that. He also didn't care if everyone – Reagan's, colleagues, enemies, and the media, hell whomever, knew how devastated he was. And the why of it. All of them talked about it, he was sure of it. He was just confirming – silently – what they all knew to be true. He was in love with his partner. And she could die. And he had never told her. And he was deathly afraid of not having the opportunity to voice it to the one person he should have told years ago. Her. His Eddie.

If Jamie had looked up, he would have seen his family guarding him from afar. Ready to go to him as soon as he needed someone, as soon as he spoke. They were also guarding him from the people who wanted to know how Eddie was doing. Danny made sure that he gave all of them updates - as he knew them - so they would not call Jamie or try to ask him personally. But Jamie couldn't look up. If he opened his mouth, what would come out would be a gut wrenching wail. One that he feared would not stop if he let it out. He would lose control of everything. He would scream and scream and scream until his throat was raw and bleeding. He was in agony. He never knew pain like this. He never knew regret like this. He never knew that you could love someone as much as he loved Eddie. Everyone else in his life had been just a stepping stone to learning how to love unconditionally and without expecting anything in return. He had loved Eddie from afar since probably the first year of them riding together. Sydney? She was nothing. He believed he had loved her enough to marry her. He believed her to be the love of his life and when she broke off the engagement? He thought that was pain. _**It wasn't.**_ This was pain. The kind that if the worst happened and Eddie wouldn't make it? He would not be able to go on. He would be a shell of himself.

He heard someone softly knock at the door. He didn't care. He didn't even turn. His eyes were glued to Eddie's. He would not stop looking at her until she opened her eyes, until she told him – out of her own mouth - that she was going to be okay. Jamie just wanted to be left alone but somewhere deep inside he knew he couldn't be that selfish. Everyone was worried. Everyone needed to hear him say something. Anything.

Erin looked at his brother and her heart broke for him for the tenth time tonight. He was not talking to any of them. He was just waiting. Waiting for Eddie to wake up. To be okay. To what? Tell him not to worry anymore? Erin knew how strong Jamie's feelings ran for Eddie. But clearly his brother was in love with her. Eddie needed to be okay. If not, she truly did not think that Jamie would ever recuperate from this. He had lost so much already. His mom. Joe. Vinny. Linda. As much as Jamie didn't express his emotions and didn't wear them on his sleeve on the regular – this would be a blow that would not even compare to what he already had gone through. Joe and Jamie had been so close that seeing him rip to shreds with Joe's death had been excruciating. She prayed that Jamie would not have to go through another death. There had been so much loss already.

She slowly walked towards him and lightly put her hand on his shoulder. "Jamie?" she asked, tentatively. "Hey."

Jamie didn't even flinch. His eyes never left Eddie. "Jamie." Erin tried once again. "Please. Tell me what I can do to help." She whispered, almost desperately. Seeing your brother in so much pain crippled you. Jamie was the baby of the family. The heart of the family. The one that always had a positive thing to say to you no matter how hard life threw punches at you. He was the one that always was there to lend a helping hand. Helping others. Making them help others. Yet right now he couldn't help himself. And the most heartbreaking thing? They couldn't help him. There was nothing they could do but wait.

Jamie's eyes filled with tears but he still didn't look at Erin. He wiped them with his hands. "Can you make the past ten hours go away? Make like they never happened? Make Eddie be okay?"

Erin closed her eyes as a tear of her own fell down her face. "I wish I could Jamie."

"She has to be okay." She finally heard Jamie utter. "Erin. I can't. She has to be okay." Jamie said, as his voice cracked. If he lost her, as he had lost Joe, he just couldn't even go there. He would probably not be able to function much less go on about his life. She had become his north star, his true north. If she was no longer in his life, he would be lost.

"I know." Erin muttered. "I know."

"I never got to tell her." Jamie sniffed, as more tears fell down his face. "That I love her. That I'm in love with her. That she is everything to me. The most important thing in my life. That I simply adore her. That my life without her? It would have no meaning." He finished as he put his right hand to his mouth. Hoping that with that a sob would not escape him. He was finally voicing what had been in his head forever. He had been so afraid to express what he was feeling for her that he hid by being non expressive. But he knew how he felt for her – eloquently. He just had never voiced it to anyone but himself – in his head.

"You'll get your chance." Erin said, equally emotional, surprised at how Jamie just spilled his heart out to her. She was glad he did it. You needed to let emotions out once in a while. If not they would boggle down inside of you and kill you.

"What if I don't?" Jamie said, leaving the question unanswered.

Erin pulled up a chair next to him and sat down. "Jamie. You listen to me." Erin started, as her hand went around his shoulders. "You can't think like that. You have to stay as positive as you can. For Eddie. Let her know that you're here and that you are waiting for her to wake up. Tell her that you love her. Right now. She can hear you."

"You think?" Jamie asked, as he finally tore his eyes from Eddie and stared at Erin. His eyes were red from the tears he had already shed. And his eyes were full of fear. Of anguish. Of something Erin couldn't understand. They had both lost their mother and their brother and the ache and the pain was excruciating. But she had never lost the man that she loved. No. She reminded herself. Eddie was not lost. Not yet. She would be okay. She had to be. Her brother would not survive her death.

"Thank you." Jamie said, as he turned back to Eddie and grabbed her hand. He had been afraid to touch her thus far. But Erin was right. Eddie needed to feel that he was right here with her. "Hey." He found himself uttering to her as he pulled his chair closer to her. "You gotta wake up now. I'm really scared here and I need you to tell me you're going to be okay. Eddie. Please. Wake up Eddie. Please wake up."

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

The Reagan clan was sitting directly outside Eddie's room. They had brought them some chairs because there was no moving them from there. They were all guarding her room. And the majority of them were cops, detectives and the main guy for the NYPD, Commissioner Reagan. The former Commissioner as well. Let's just say they didn't need any uniforms guarding Eddie's door right now. They would handle it. She was after all like family. And the way that Jamie was feeling and treating her? There was no doubt that he loved her and wanted Eddie in his life. More than a partner. So in essence – in their minds and in their hearts – she already was family.

"Mom has been in there a while." Nikki observed. "Maybe Uncle Jamie finally let someone support him." She stammered out, hoping, maybe beyond hope, that her Uncle Jamie would open up. He couldn't keep something like this bottled up inside. Things like this tended to eat you up until you voiced them out loud and let people around you help.

"He's in shock." Henry offered "His partner is badly hurt. That takes a toll on a partner. Especially in a partnership that works. They've been riding together a long time."

"No Pop." Frank said. "This goes beyond partnership." Frank had suspected for a while that Jamie had feelings for Officer Jenko. It had been so long that Jamie had even mentioned going out with someone. Because he hadn't. All his free time had been spent with his partner and he seemed fine with it. Moreover, so did Eddie. He didn't presume to know what her status was but it didn't seem she was in a serious relationship with anyone because they were always together. And the looks they gave each other when they thought no one was looking? It was evident.

"Yes." Danny interrupted. "I knew that Jamie had feelings for Eddie. He's had them for a while but this goes beyond that Dad. This feels eerily familiar to when I lost Linda. And she's my wife." Danny finalized. What does that tell you?" Danny recognized the pain that Jamie was in as his own from about a year ago. The same expression. The same far-away look. The not wanting anyone to approach you. He had just wanted to be left alone and that's why if anyone would try to overstep with Jamie, he would be there to tell them to back off, unless they were family. And even if they were family, if he felt that Jamie was on the brink he would tell them to back off. It was the least he could do.

Nikki nodded and answered Danny's question. "He loves her. Uncle Jamie loves Eddie. They belong together."

"I don't know if Jamie can recuperate if he loses her. He lost his partner Vinnie but this? This will be a million times worse." Danny pointed out. "Losing Vinny was hard enough but losing Eddie? He would lose his soul. Because he ain't fooling any of us. Partners? Pffft. No way."

Erin opened the door and wiped her tears. "He doesn't want to leave her side. He doesn't want to drink or eat. He doesn't want anything. He just keeps repeating that he wants her to wake up."

All of them nodded solemnly. "He's a wreck." Erin continued.

"What can we do?" Nikki asked.

"I'm not sure there is much we can do sweetheart." Frank said. "But be here for him. And pray that Officer Jenko makes a full recovery."

"The first time I knew that he had strong feelings for Eddie." Danny started. "Was when she went undercover for me…Jamie was in the back seat listening on the wire and at the first sight of trouble he wanted me to light up the car and get her out of the van. He didn't even give it five seconds. It seemed like he wanted her out of that van and inside the car safely with him."

"Really?" Henry asked. Now realizing that maybe the whole family noticed something he didn't. He wasn't offended. Jamie and he were very close and even hung out together some nights but he never divulged to him his feelings for Eddie. He kept those close to the vest apparently. He had not seen them together as often as the others had. So it was expected that they would deduce more than him. But if what they were saying was true, then Jamie was in a world of hurt right now and he would do anything to make his pain go away. Unfortunately, it was out of his hands.

"Oh yeah. And then I told him that he had to let Eddie do her job. He seemed to calm down for a bit but once that van stopped and we didn't know what was going to happen? He literally made me tell everyone we were going to get her. He was so afraid. The last thing he said to me was 'you better get her out'. I had my little brother threatening me on the job because Eddie was in danger. And in his mind I knew he was blaming me that she was in that predicament."

"He wasn't playing." Frank stated. Not a question but a statement.

"No. He was not." Danny confirmed. "He loved her then. I am willing to bet he loves her more now than he did then." Of course he did. As time went on for him and Linda –as they were dating and when they were married - the love for each other grew. You had so many hours in the RMP the only thing to do was talk and bond. And in Eddie and Jamie's case fall in love.

"I'm going to check on him." Nikki said. "Maybe I can get him to at least leave the room for a few minutes to get some air."

"Good luck with that." Erin said. "At least try to get him to drink something. Cause I know he won't eat."

 _ **Jamko…Jamko….Jamko…Jamko**_

Nikki walked in and saw that her Uncle Jamie was leaning towards Eddie's bed and he was stroking her hair with one hand and grasping one of her hands with his other hand. "My whole family is here Eddie." Jamie was telling her. "I think they are worried about me but they want you to be okay too. You're scaring all of us. You gotta wake up."

Nikki went behind her Uncle and did what she had wanted to do since she saw him a few hours ago when she got to the hospital. She hugged him from behind and kissed the top of his head since he was looking down at Eddie. "Hi Uncle Jamie." She softly said, as she brought the chair that her mother had left vacant closer to him and to Eddie.

Before she sat down, she went to the other side of the bed and leaned towards Eddie and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Hey Eddie." Nikki said. "I'm here. I'll take care of my Uncle Jamie for you. Don't you worry – all you gotta do is wake up. Then all will be right with the world."

Jamie looked at Nikki and he half smiled. "Thank you Nikki." He said, as he saw her come back to his side of the bed and sit next to him.

"How are you doing?" Nikki asked.

Jamie shrugged his shoulders and let out a long sigh. "I could be better. I just need Eddie to wake up."

"I know. But you have to take care of yourself too because when Eddie wakes up she's going to want to see that you're okay."

"Yeah." Jamie said, non-committal. He wasn't going to be okay. Not until he knew for a fact that she was out of danger. And he didn't care how many people walked into this hospital room. He was not leaving this room and he was not leaving her.

As if sensing his train of thought Nikki asked: "Can I get you some water at least?"

"Thanks." Jamie said. When was the last time he had even had any water? He couldn't remember. Everything was a blur. "How is everyone?" he finally asked Nikki. Knowing that they had been out there for hours with no reaction or news from him.

"Don't worry about them." Nikki said. "We are all here for you. Whatever you need."

"I need her to be okay Nikki." Jamie said, honestly, turning his gaze back to her. "Once I know that, I feel like I may be able to breathe again."

"I know Uncle Jamie. And she will be. Eddie just needs a little time."

"I hope so."

"Uncle Jamie. I want to tell you something." Jamie turned to her. "You may not believe this." Nikki started. "But I think that Eddie knows that you love her."

"How?"

"Uncle Jamie everyone knows you love her. That you are in love with her. She feels it. I'm sure of it. All I have to do is see you guys together to know that you belong together. I'm not going to presume to know the reasons you guys have decided to not already be together and out in the open. But she knows."

"I'm not sure about that." Jamie told her honestly. "We have had so many opportunities. Well I have had so many opportunities but I always stopped myself. I didn't want to lose her as a partner. I didn't want to lie about us. I just stayed status quo and now I may never get the chance to…"

"NO Uncle Jamie." Nikki said forcefully. "You will get to tell her and you will get your happy ending. You guys deserve it. If anyone does, the two of you do."

"You really like Eddie huh?" Jamie smiled at her.

"I do like her. I actually love her because I know she loves you."

"Yeah?" Jamie asked. "Since when are you so wise?"

"The way you two hang out? The way you guys are always together and if you're not you guys are texting or calling. I don't know how you manage to not have your phone out at Sunday dinner."

"Eddie knows that's sacred time."

"Maybe one day soon she'll be joining us for Sunday dinner and you won't have to miss her when you're with us."

Jamie looked at Nikki and smiled once again. "I love you Uncle Jamie." Jamie heard Nikki say as she hugged him one more time. "I'm gonna go get you that water."

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

"Hey kid." Jamie heard Danny say as he handed him a water. "I told Nikki I would bring you the water. How is she?" Truth be told he had been worried about Jamie for hours and he needed to see for himself that his little brother was hanging on. Maybe not doing okay but hanging on.

"I don't know." Jamie responded telling him the truth. "She hasn't moved. She can't move. And I know right now is too soon for her to wake up. But I keep hoping."

"Eddie is a fighter. She will pull through." Danny said, as he put a hand on Jamie's shoulder and squeezed. "I know this isn't easy."

Jamie nodded his head as he opened the bottle of water and drank half of it. He didn't realize how parched he was until the water was in front of him.

"How long have you known?" Danny asked. He thought that maybe having a conversation with his brother may – if only for a few minutes – have him think about something else.

"What?" Jamie asked.

"That you're in love with her. How long have you known?"

"Years." Jamie said, without hesitation. "Forever it seems. Maybe even from our first year riding together." Jamie finalized as he shrugged his shoulders.

"And you never said anything?" Danny stated, more surprised than anything else. How do you do that? How do you keep something that huge locked inside?

"Nope. We hinted around having feelings but love? No. That was never uttered."

"I knew you loved her. And I know she loves you. I have no doubt about that."

"Nikki said the same thing."

"We all think the same thing. And Baez thinks it too. Hell all the precinct thinks it. Your precinct. Linda knew as well."

"Really? Linda? Linda always knew me so well. Do you think I'll ever get to tell her?" Jamie said, as he felt the onslaught of tears come once again.

"Yes." Danny said, confident. "On both counts. One of the last things Linda told me about you was that one day soon she was going to have to sit you down and have a stern talk with you. She couldn't comprehend how the two of you could be so stupid and stubborn."

"Really Danny?" Jamie said, looking at him straight in the eye, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek. "I was stupid and stubborn. Linda of course had it right."

"Yes." Danny said, as he reached out and grasped his brother by the shoulder. "You will get to tell her. You will get your chance. Stupid and stubborn you will no longer be. All right?"

"I just want her to wake up already. She is able to breathe on her own but she will remain sedated for a while. They're hoping that in the next few days her body starts healing and it will be easier for her to wake up. She's on pretty high drugs so she won't feel pain."

"That's good kid. That's good."

"How is everyone out there?" He asked Danny as he asked Nikki.

"We're fine. Cheering Eddie on." He said, as he approached Eddie and patted her hand. "You gotta wake up sweetheart. You're scaring the living life out of every Reagan here, especially Jamie."

"You guys don't have to stay here." Jamie offered. "Pop may be tired."

"He's not going anywhere. No one is kid. Until we know that Eddie is okay."

"The boys?"

"They're old enough. Besides I asked them thinking maybe Pop could go with them but the three of them declined. We are here for the long haul."

"Dad?"

"Sitting in a chair. Quiet. Worried. About you. About Eddie. You know Dad. He worries about everything."

"Thank you." Jamie finally said. "To everyone. It means a lot that you all are out there. Even if it doesn't seem that way. I just can't. I just can't leave her. It feels like I'm stuck to this chair and this room until I know she's ok. I would go out there if I could."

"We wouldn't be anywhere else. And we know. Nobody expects you to leave the room and we all know better than to ask you that."

"Thanks." He said, as he turned back to Eddie and grabbed her hand. He got up from his chair and kissed her temple.

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

As Jamie saw Danny walk out he stood by Eddie's side and murmured: "Hey."

She didn't stir. "I hate this Eddie. I hate seeing you like this. I need you to wake up so that I can tell you what I have wanted to tell you for five years. I love you." He whispered into her ear. "I always have. I always will. No one has ever meant as much to me as you do."

Jamie kissed her one more time on her temple and sat back down never releasing her hand. A part of him hoped – maybe beyond hope – that she could hear him. That it would make a difference. That the knowledge of him loving her would make her wake up.

The thought of another woman had not entered into his mind in years. At the first and maybe second year of their partnership, Jamie had gone out with other women but it never quite felt right. And when he saw how it affected her, he had stopped. He didn't know why he did. She sure didn't stop dating but it just seemed wrong to him to lead a woman on with the knowledge – at least on his end – it would go nowhere. His heart had already been taken by a short, feisty blonde that drove him to distraction. It would have been a perfect opportunity to tell Eddie exactly how he was starting to feel about her when he had asked Jen out for dinner. The reaction Eddie had when she found out they had already gone out to drinks did not go unnoticed by him. Yet when they had talked about it once she had ditched him for McKenna – if only for a day – had them at least admitting that what they had was undefined and he didn't know what the fuck he was doing. But he left it at that and still had gone out to dinner with Jen and left her behind. It had felt so wrong to leave. He actually didn't want to leave. But what could they do? What could he do?

They both had swept it under the rug and supposedly moved on. Pretending that what they were feeling was a fleeting attraction that would go away eventually. But it didn't. It was still there – between them – growing each and every day and making each time they hurt each other that much worse. For Jamie, talking to Eddie about the men she was dating and giving her sound advice cut him to the core each and every time. But he decided that he would rather do that than not have her. If only he had listened to his heart instead of his brain. The organ that told him that it just would be better if he came clean. But he had been afraid. What if they wrecked each other? They were so different. How could it work between them? And if he told her how he felt? And then they broke up? He would have nothing. He would not have her as a partner, as his best friend, as his constant companion. And he just didn't think he would be able to handle that. And if that made him a coward, he had accepted that. Until today.

The world that they lived in – more importantly – worked in was a dangerous one. Thoughts of her getting hurt on the job were always present for him. He always mitigated those fears with the knowledge that he would be there to protect her. No one would be able to hurt her if he was by her side. But that hadn't been true. Today was the prime example. What the fuck were they doing then?

Jamie was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't hear Frank come in. "Hey son." Frank said, quietly – well aware that Jamie was so deep into his thoughts, the opening of the door didn't register.

"Hey Dad."

"How are you feeling?" He asked, Jamie. He was concerned for Eddie but seeing his youngest in so much pain made him ask how he was doing first.

"I feel like a broken record." Jamie said, half smiling. "But I'm hanging in there."

"Everyone is worried about you."

"I know Dad. I was half joking. I know you guys are here because you're worried about me."

"And we're worried about Eddie too."

"Yes,"

"You know after this I can give her any reassignment she wants. Maybe it's time that you both consider the alternative to being partners."

Jamie answered honestly: "Dad right now all I want is for her to wake up. I – and she – can figure everything out later."

"Understood."

"But there is no more lying. Not between her and me and not between all of us. I love her."

"I know son. I think I've known for a while."

Jamie nodded his head. "Thank you all for being here."

"Son we love you. And we will be right outside if you need anything. I know I can't make you come out, get some air, eat or drink. But know that when you're ready we will be here for you."

With that Frank left the room and gently closed the door behind him.

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko….Jamko**_


	2. Chapter 2

_Regrets_

 _Chapter 2_

If anyone should walk into Eddie's hospital room and see both Jamie and Eddie as they currently were there would be no doubt in their minds about their feelings for one another. Jamie was asleep on a chair that was so close to Eddie's bed that if possible Jamie's legs would disappear under the bed but instead they folded under his chair so he could have more access to her. His head was beside hers on the pillow and both of his arms were slightly above her head embracing her but not smothering her. His hands fell lightly on top of her head protectively. It seemed that he would slay anyone that dared come near her.

Eddie in turn had not woken up but her face was inches from his – their foreheads slightly touching – and her breathing was even and steady. Her hands were clasped together over the covers and laying peacefully around her stomach. Color had returned to her face and it almost looked normal. She had always breathed on her own thankfully but now her breathing seemed to be still and even. No sudden intakes of breath. It seemed as if Eddie was just sleeping without a care in the world. Knowing that Jamie was there protecting her.

She had been out for almost 36 hours and Jamie hadn't left her side. But the doctors assured Jamie and his family that all of this was a good sign. Eddie's body would heal and she would make a full recovery. They all were expecting her to wake up. Her vitals were good and they were confident that she would be waking sooner rather than later. The doctor has also told them that she was young and healthy and that was a good sign of a speedy recovery.

Jamie upon hearing this had given the doctor and his family the first full-fledged smile he had given since Eddie had gotten shot. She was going to live. And his heart soared. His whole family had shared in that smile finally able to breathe once again. Once they knew Eddie would be fine, they knew in turn, Jamie would be fine. Seeing him rip to shreds had been painful. But in their hall discussions while Jamie had been sitting beside Eddie they all agreed that Eddie being shot had finally been the wake-up call that Jamie needed. No more sacrifices in the name of their partnerships. It was time for them to be happy and honest with each other and the world.

After the good news, Jamie had finally told his family to go home. He had requested it that first night yet they all stayed. After that first night, not all of them stayed, but there was at least one or two outside Eddie's hospital room at all times – on rotation - just in case Jamie or Eddie needed anything. When only one was present, they would come inside and spend some time with Jamie. Most of the time in silence but still being there as a reassuring presence. Jamie thought to himself that he owed his family a debt of gratitude. He was thankful for them. And when this whole ordeal was over he was going to tell them that he would not have been able to deal with this without their presence. Even though he rarely spoke – except in the rare moments that he bared his soul to some of them – he hoped they knew that he loved each and every one of them with all of his heart. He knew he didn't express his feelings to anyone but – on a moving forward basis – he was going to try and do that. Not only with Eddie but with his family as well.

But for now, he was focused on Eddie and her waking up and him finally coming clean with her on his feelings. Nothing and no one was going to stop him from telling her how he felt. The love he felt for her exceeded anything he ever thought possible. And while he knew that Eddie knew he had feelings for her, it surprised even him, how deep they ran once he let himself admit it openly. Eddie had once accused him of sending mixed signals and he knew it was true. He was going to stop that. He was going to tell her exactly how he felt. He knew it wouldn't come easy to him – expressing his emotions as she did but for her he would try. He didn't want anyone trying to even attempt to erase him from her life. He mattered. And he was going to make his presence known and visible.

 _Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko_

 _ **A few hours later…**_

Eddie opened her eyes and tried to move but she couldn't. It wasn't that she felt pain – it was more of a weight on her uninjured shoulder. She turned towards the weight and smiled as she saw Jamie sleeping – his head slightly on her shoulder. What had happened? She didn't remember much. But she must be in a hospital and she was groggy and her mouth was dry and she was thirstier than she had ever been. _**How long have I been out?**_

"Jamie…" she whispered quietly. When he didn't stir she tried a bit harder. "Jamie…"

Jamie stirred and was immediately aware of his surroundings. "Mmmm…Eddie?" He stated as he lifted his head from her shoulder. "Eddie…" he said, more emphatically as he grabbed her face gently with both of his hands. He looked at her and he felt a swell of emotions stir in his heart. He had waited for her to wake up and he thought he would know what to say to her but at the moment he was stunned speechless. He felt a knot in his throat and his eyes filled with unshed tears. "Oh my God, you're awake."

"Hey there. She said, as she swallowed. "Water." Was the other word she uttered. She needed water. She saw the flash of warmth and how Jamie's eyes filled with emotion but she couldn't speak just yet. Much less psychoanalyze his look. She had no inkling about what day it was or what time of the day or night it currently was. All she knew was that something happened to her and that Jamie was right by her side. How long had he been here? Had Jamie never left her side? Had he kept vigil over her? It sure seemed that way.

Jamie got up immediately and turned to her serving tray. With hands that shook a bit he managed to pour some ice water into her cup and grabbed a straw. "Here you go." He said, as he approached her with the full intent of helping her drink. He was going to take care of her until he felt that she was okay. And right now she was far from okay in his book. Waking up however? Huge step in the right direction he thought as he felt a small smile tug at his lips.

Eddie lifted her head gingerly and drank from the cup. She took several big gulps and laid back immediately. She felt so spent and tired. "Why am I here?" she finally muttered. _**Why are you so**_ _ **emotional? What is this warmth I see in your eyes?**_ She wanted to ask those questions but her mind was foggy and she didn't trust herself to know what the hell was going on. But these thoughts seemed to keep going through her mind as if on repeat. She had noticed Jamie looking at her as if he felt something else than a bond as partners but it had been a while since she had let her mind wander with hopes that one day they could be something else. It just hurt too much sometimes to visualize him as something other than a partner when it seemed he was trying so hard to not feel anything for her.

"I'm going to go get the doctor." Jamie said, suddenly concerned. Being overjoyed at her waking up he didn't even recognize the importance of calling the doctor or the nurse at the very least. Didn't or shouldn't they check her out immediately? She seemed to be okay but what did he know? He wasn't a doctor. And her health was the main priority to him.

"Jamie. Stop." Eddie said and it was like an order. His body immediately obeyed and he stopped in his tracks. "Tell me what happened. I'm okay." She didn't feel like she was dying. Yes she felt weak and discombobulated but she needed to know what was happening more than seeing a doctor right at this minute. She was desperate - almost - for some answers.

"You don't remember?" Jamie asked as he turned back towards her. He didn't know how he could explain to her without finally admitting his love for her. _**With facts Jamie. Only with facts.**_ Jamie told himself. As much as he wanted to tell her – first thing – that he was in love with her. Jamie wanted to make sure that she understood it, trusted it and that she knew it wasn't coming from a place of panic. And right now it seemed she was in a panic. She wanted to know exactly what happened. He would too. So he acquiesced.

Eddie scrunched up her face. "I remember chasing the perp and getting shot and…and falling down the stairs." Then the memories made her heart stop. "Dunleevy?" she asked, her eyes going wide. "Please tell me he's okay."

Jamie approached her and swallowed hard shaking his head slightly. "Oh no…" she whispered as she covered her mouth and her eyes filled with tears. "Oh Jamie…"

"Hey…" Jamie said, as he sat on the chair and grabbed both of her hands. "I'm sorry you found out this way. You were out of it. He didn't make it but we caught the guy. He is in custody and he is going nowhere anytime soon. Actually, I think he may spend the rest of his life in jail – rotting – as he deserves." Jamie said, as he clenched his jaw and tried to keep his emotions in check.

"But his family." She pointed out as tears streamed down her face. "What are they going to do?"

"We will help them. We will make sure they're taken care of. We will do what we have to. It's tragic." Jamie stated. "But I'm so thankful that you're okay." If that made him sound selfish at this point he didn't care. He had been feeling guilty about these thoughts – for a while now - but if he was honest with himself? As soon as he realized that Dunleevy was dead, his first thought was to thank God that it hadn't been Eddie. And that realization? Well it cemented what he had known all along. That he was in love with Eddie and the feelings were not going to go away. Ever.

"Jamie…" Eddie said, as she squeezed his hands. "It could have been me. If I had been the one going up the stairs first." As much as she didn't want to think about it, it was true. So true. And so scary. She would have died without telling Jamie how she actually felt. And how tragic would that have been? At this point, she didn't even care if Jamie felt the same way. For her own sanity, she had to tell him how she felt. And soon.

"I know." Jamie said. "It's all I've been thinking about these past few days." He stated, honestly. "My mind keeps playing tricks on me. I can't sleep and if I do sometimes I see that outcome. And it scares me."

Eddie nodded her head. "I know. But I am here and I am fine. I just feel so devastated for Dunleevy. But I am also grateful I am alive." Eddie said honestly.

Jamie nodded his head. But for now, it was time to go get the doctor. "I'm going to go get the doctor." Jamie said once again. As soon as he saw she was going to protest he put his hand up: "Nope." Jamie said, leaving no room for misunderstanding. "I'm putting my foot down. I need to know that you're okay. And I want to hear if from the doctor not from you." Jamie finalized, as his right eyebrow shot up and left no room for argument.

Eddie smiled sheepishly. "Okay partner."

 _Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko_

 _ **9:00 p.m. – Same day…**_

"Eddie." Eddie opened up her eyes and her heart sank – just a little. How could she possibly forget? _**Barry.**_ He had reached out to her a few days back and they had been talking and going out. What was she supposed to do? Not go out with him? Jamie and her back then were hell bent on saying they had decided to remain with a professional relationship versus a personal one. Fuck. For all she knew he had not changed his mind on that front. Regardless of him staying by her side, he hadn't uttered a word that things between them would change. Not even his warm smile and the way he looked at her gave her the confidence to believe that they were headed in a different direction. But truth was she had been hoping and Barry barges in here and dashes her hopes and brings her back to reality.

"Hey." She said, slightly pushing herself off the bed. "Barry."

"I heard about what happened and tracked you down. I text messaged and called but no answer." Barry said, as he smiled and approached her bed. "I'm so sorry that I just got to you."

Eddie couldn't put a thought together as to how to answer Barry. The prevalent thought in her head right now was that she was thankful she had convinced Jamie to go home and rest a bit before he came back. That was after the doctor had come in to do a thorough check on her and convinced him that she was okay. At least as okay as she would be. There was no imminent danger and he had not moved from the hospital room since she was brought in. He needed a break and she knew it. Hell they both knew it.

"Yeah." She finally uttered. "I didn't have my phone with me obviously." She said, sheepishly. "And pretty much was out from what the doctor told me for about two days straight."

Barry nodded his head and smiled as he put the flowers he brought her next to the windowsill. "I'm just glad I know where you are now and that you're doing better."

"How did you hear?" Eddie asked, truly curious. It wasn't as if she had told Jamie that Barry was back in the picture. She had told Hayley but she hadn't introduced them. And even if they had met Hayley knew better than to offer her information without telling her first. Hayley knew about Jamie and her feelings for him. Actually, Hayley was Team Jamie all the way. She even mercilessly teased Eddie about that one time she had wanted to set them up.

She was brought back to the present when Barry said: "It was on the news. Mention of your fellow police officer's death and then a brief mention of a women cop being on the tail with him." Barry pointed out. "So I had to know."

"Oh." Eddie said, clearly touched by his concern. Why couldn't she fall for this guy? He was so sweet and he liked her. It was so evident. But she just couldn't replace Jamie in her heart. She was fast realizing that Jamie was the one for her. If only things could be different with them. She would have given Barry a real chance.

"So I called hospitals till I found you." Barry continued. Wow. That was sweet.

"Thank you." Eddie said. "I'm going to be just fine. A minor scare."

"Have the doctor's said how long you'll be here?"

"A few days at least." She responded. "They want to make sure no complications stem from the surgery and that I am getting my strength up."

"I'd be more than happy to spend it with you." He offered.

"Oh no." Eddie said, immediately. "I can't ask you to do that." _**God no.**_ All she wanted was Jamie. After everything that had transpired all she needed was Jamie and she was not going to have Jamie step to the side and she could not have them both here. It was Jamie. Hands down Jamie who she wanted by her side. Even if for now – and maybe ever – it would be as his partner.

"I have time I can take from work." Barry tried, insisting one more time.

"That's okay." Eddie tried again. "It's a very sweet offer but I just think I'm going to be resting. And I promise I'll have my phone with me now. No need to spend vacation or personal days on me."

Barry narrowed his eyes. He thought things were going well with them. But something had shifted. He didn't know what. But it seemed she was trying to get rid of him. At least that's how it felt currently. And he didn't think he was off.

"Well thanks for stopping by." Eddie started. God she knew she was being rude. And she knew that possibly things hadn't changed for Jamie. But for her? They had changed. She couldn't run from her feelings anymore. That thought was prevalent a minute ago and then again just now. She probably shouldn't lead Barry along either. It just wouldn't be fair to her, to Jamie but especially for Barry.

 _ **Yep. Confirmed**_ _._ Eddie was trying to get rid of him, Barry thought to himself. What was he to do? Maybe this was not the place to talk and he didn't want to stop seeing her. But clearly she wanted him out. And his gut told him that he knew why.

"Uhm…" Barry was about to start making his exit when the door to her hospital room opened and someone came barging in: "Eddie! I'm back! Hope it wasn't too long…" Jamie started, but suddenly stopped when he saw that Eddie had a visitor. A male visitor. _**Oh. Hell no.**_ Jamie found himself gritting his teeth and clenching his jaw. Flares of jealousy immediately had him on edge. He knew he should never have left her but coming back and finding some random guy in her room? Nope. He wasn't having it.

Barry smiled inwardly. This was the reason why she wanted to get rid of him. He would bet his life this was Eddie's partner. The one he couldn't compete with even if he tried. The one Eddie couldn't stop talking about. _**Her work husband.**_ When he reached out once again and told her that he stopped calling - because she talked about her partner too much - she had explained it was that he was her work husband. But he had known better and now he knew that he should have followed his gut. There definitely was something there if her partner's face and hers were any indication. Eddie's face had guilt about he being there and her eyes kept shifting towards her partner - trying to make him understand she had nothing to do with this and the partner? Well he was shooting daggers at him – and trying to act like he wasn't - and he was looking at her like if he didn't understand why another man was in her hospital room.

"Barry. Jamie. Jamie. Barry." Eddie said, rather quickly. _**God maybe she should have stayed unconscious one more day.**_ She thought sarcastically. Truth be told she hadn't even thought of Barry and him possibly tracking her down. She hadn't even told Jamie that he had reached out again. There had been no time and she acted as she did normally, trying to not talk about whom she was dating in hopes Jamie got his shit together. Inevitably, he would always find out but she delayed the news because she enjoyed their banter and their flirtations and she didn't want to lose that. It had come to mean everything to her.

"Hi." Jamie found himself saying as his heart clenched. _**What the fuck? Barry? Barry was back?**_

"I was just heading out. I came to check on Eddie." Barry said.

Jamie nodded. A part of him wondered if he was the one that infringed on their time. But he made no move to leave. Any other time he would have made a hasty exit, piled on by a goodbye, but he stayed rooted in place. After everything that had transpired, he was not going to back down now. No matter who else was in the picture.

"Thanks for stopping by Barry." Eddie finalized.

The decision had been made. For Eddie it wasn't even a decision. She felt bad but her heart had been Jamie's and would remain Jamie's. Barry had been a stand in and quite frankly it wasn't fair to him. She didn't know what Jamie was going to say or when she would bring her feelings for him up but one thing was for sure – right now she wanted Jamie to be here with her.

"Hope you feel better very soon." Barry said, as he opened the door. "It was nice to meet you Jamie."

Jamie nodded his head. "Likewise." _**Now get the fuck out.**_ Jamie found himself making his way towards Eddie's bed. Laying his claim.

They both saw Barry exit and watched the door close behind him.

"Barry?" Jamie questioned her. He wanted to scream out the question that was on his mind. _**Was it too late? Did he miss his chance?**_

"Yeah." Eddie said, sheepishly. "He reached back out to me a few days ago." _**And I didn't tell you because I am in love with you. And I still hold a sliver of hope that we will get our shit together.**_ Oh if only she had the fucking balls to voice that out loud.

"Huh." Was Jamie's response. Why could things never be easy with them two? Either she was ready and he was not. Either she was jealous or he was. It was the same tune with them – like a broken record – but he wanted to smash that record to pieces. He wanted to move forward. He wanted her in his life.

"He said that he saw on the news what happened." Eddie offered, shrugging her shoulders. "I didn't reach out to him. I don't even have my phone with me."

 _ **Oh? So you didn't call him?**_ Jamie pursed his lips yet he didn't utter that first thought. "And he happened to know what hospital you were at?" Jamie questioned trying to keep his voice even but failing miserably.

"He called several hospitals." Eddie admitted. "But no, like I said, I didn't call him. I actually didn't even think of it." Eddie said honestly.

Hope sprung to his heart almost immediately. It was almost bordering on pathetic he thought. How just one sentence made him hopeful. "Oh?"

"Like I said he only reached out to me a few days ago." Eddie started and licked her lips. Suddenly they were so dry.

"If you wanted him to stay I would have come back." Jamie offered, a slight smile playing on his face.

"No." Eddie immediately said. "I actually want you here." Eddie admitted.

Jamie smiled sheepishly. "Good. Cause I hope you know I wasn't going anywhere. I didn't care who was here. Unless you told me to leave, my ass was gonna stay here."

Eddie's eyebrows shot up. What was happening? She didn't know but she liked this side of Jamie. "Really?"

"Yep." Jamie said, as he finally reached the bed. He put his arm on the pillow, over her head, and inched his head towards her.

Eddie was stunned speechless and couldn't move. Her eyes were locked on Jamie's and she didn't understand them. All she knew was that he was inches from her face. _**Jamie, what are you gonna do?**_

"How are you kids doing?" Danny said, as he knocked and opened the door at the same time.

 _ **What the fuck, Jamie thought.**_

 _ **Oh fuck me, Eddie thought.**_

 _ **Jamko…Jamko….Jamko….Jamko**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Regrets**_

 _ **Chapter 3**_

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

"How are you kids doing?" Danny said, as he knocked and opened the door at the same time. He was surprised to see Jamie there. It hadn't been two hours since they last spoke. He had been excited for his brother that Eddie was up and moving around. When Jamie told him that Eddie had sent him home to shower and take a nap, Danny thought that he should go and check in on her. No one liked to be alone in a hospital room. He hadn't mentioned it to Jamie as he assumed he would see him an hour or so after he got to the hospital. However, he apparently had totally miscalculated Jamie's anxiousness to getting back to Eddie. He should have known better. If it was his Linda in the hospital, he would have rushed back to her side as well.

 _ **What the fuck, Jamie thought.**_

 _ **Oh, fuck me, Eddie thought.**_

Danny smiled inwardly. He was not stupid. He saw both of them near Eddie's bed and thought maybe he had barged in on an important moment. "Sorry." He found himself saying. "I'll come back." He grinned. "I just thought that you would be longer Jamie and wanted to check in on Eddie." Danny said, honestly.

Eddie couldn't help but chuckle as she put a hand on Jamie's arm, scrunching up her nose at him and gently lifting herself up a bit from the bed. "Hey Danny. No come in. Come in." Eddie was touched that Danny would come to see her because she thought she might be lonely without Jamie. Hell, she would have welcomed Danny's company versus Barry's. Because she knew the conversation between her and Jamie was nowhere near finished when it came to him being in her hospital room.

Jamie gave her a look of annoyance and she returned a smile and a wink. Jamie just rolled his eyes and nodded his head. "Come in Danny. It's fine." He actually was happy that his brother thought of coming to see Eddie. Had the worst timing in the world but he would forgive him. He and Eddie would have plenty of time to say what they had to say to one another. And he would have plenty of time to grill her on Barry. If Barry hadn't gotten the point after this, he'd make sure the second time they 'bumped' into each other it was crystal clear he would have a war on his hands with him. For the love and affection of Eddie.

Danny in turned rolled his eyes. "How're you feeling Eddie? You gave us quite a scare."

Jamie sat on the chair closest to Eddie's bed and saw that Danny occupied the one on the other side of the bed. He smiled at Danny. He was grateful that his brother liked Eddie enough to get out of his house and come and check on her. He knew that Danny was having a hard time and the thought that his brother thought of someone beside himself – while he still struggled with his own grief – well that was enough for him to forgive him for his bad timing. Jamie needed to repeat that mantra of forgiving and being grateful to Danny for now but in the future – once things settled – over a beer he was sure he was going to give him hell for his bad timing.

"I'm okay Danny." Eddie said. "A bit sore from the fall and in pain from surgery but grateful to be alive."

"You had us all worried. But I knew you'd pull through. You're a tough cookie." Danny said, as he reached in and grabbed her arm kindly.

Eddie smiled. "Yeah. Jamie told me about Dunleevy. I still can't believe it."

"It's tragic." Danny acknowledged. "But we're thankful you're okay."

"Thanks." Eddie said, as she felt a fresh set of tears form in her eyes. How long was she going to be this emotional?

"And you gave Jamie here the biggest scare of all." Danny said, wanting to distract her from her thoughts as he saw her eyes fill with unshed tears.

Jamie turned to look at Eddie at the same time she turned to him. Jamie reached out and grabbed her hand. "She knows this I think." Jamie said, as he squeezed her hand and didn't let go. He didn't care. He didn't want to let go so he wasn't.

"You've been Jamie's partner – a solid partner at that – for a long time. We know you. We consider you family Eddie. Never doubt that you are important to us all." Danny said. He wanted her to know that she was important to all of them. Danny had no doubt that at some point in the future those two were headed down the aisle. Too much history between them. And too much love. You could see it on the both of them. Especially now.

Eddie felt her eyes start to water again but again she kept it under control – barely. "You have no idea how much that means to me." She said, honestly.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Come in." Jamie said. Who the hell could that be now? He was sure it was another family member.

Both Erin and Nikki came in with a teddy bear and some flowers.

"Man…you both had to come and show me up with gifts. Sorry Eddie. I didn't bring you one." Danny said, as he smiled and got up to say hello to his sister and niece.

"We didn't know you were here." Erin said, as she hugged her brother. "It seems like a family affair."

"Jamie called me and told me Eddie kicked him out." Danny said. "I thought she may need some company. Who wants to be alone in a hospital room."

"To go shower and take a nap." Eddie interjected. "He had been here and not moved according to the doctor." Eddie said. "He needed to rest but he came back in less than two hours."

Both Erin and Nikki approached Eddie and gave her a small hug. "How're you feeling?"

"Much better." Eddie said, as she looked at all of them and her heart filled with joy. She was truly humbled and touched that the Reagan clan had taken time out of their night to come and see her. What had happened when she was out? Had they all been here to support Jamie? To see if she would be okay? The love between the Reagan family was so palpable. She envied it. In a good way.

"Good." Nikki said. "We worried about you and Uncle Jamie."

Danny, Erin and Jamie all looked at Nikki with a hard glare. "What?" Nikki defended. "Like Eddie hasn't figured it out yet? That Uncle Jamie didn't leave her side? He was worried sick about her. And we worried about them both. We're Reagans. That's what we do. We worry." She finalized, like if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"That's right Nikki." They heard Frank as they saw him and Henry both come in the door. "I guess we all had the same feeling when Jamie sent the text to us all, huh?"

"You sent a text too?" Danny questioned.

"Hence me calling you." Jamie deadpanned. "You never check your messages. Even Pop does." Jamie said, as he laughed out loud. Possibly for the first time since this incident had happened. He was overjoyed now that his family – all of them – were here to see Eddie because he was not there with her. This showed Jamie - beyond a doubt – that his family as a whole had accepted and supported that he was going to make a go out of having a relationship with Eddie. The only two people missing were the boys but he understood. Danny was here representing them as well.

Danny rolled his eyes. "What can I say? I'm more of a phone call type of guy. Call me old fashioned."

Mass pandemonium. Eddie thought. This was what it was like to have a family. Brothers and sisters who were there for each other and parents and grandparents that supported you. She missed it with her family. It was nice to see that Jamie had it. Her heart dared to hope that maybe one day she could be a part of this. And why not? Jamie still was holding her hand and gently rubbing his thumb along the side of her hand. It was sending shivers down her spine and she would rather die than separate her hand from his at this moment.

"Eddie." Henry said. "Welcome back my dear. You gave us all quite a scare."

"I am so touched that you all are here." Eddie said, honestly. "I truly don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything sweetheart." Frank said. "We are here to support you and to tell you we're happy that you are awake and feeling better."

"Thank you, Commissioner."

"None of that now." Frank said as he held out his hand. "If I was here in the Commissioner role, I would have never called you sweetheart. That would be very inappropriate." Frank said, with a twinkle in his eye.

Everyone laughed at that. "Very true." Eddie said.

"Please call me Frank." Frank stated, as he looked at her fondly. He – and everyone else in this room – did not miss the way that Jamie was holding Eddie's hand and the way he couldn't take his eyes off of her. He smiled inwardly and thought to himself that he was going to have to pull Jamie to the side soon and talk about his partner and how they had to either choose a new partner and/or a new precinct.

Eddie nodded her head and smiled. "Frank."

"One order of business though." Frank said. "You are not to return to work until the doctor has cleared you and all of us as well." Frank said, as he laughed at her face and her almost contradicting him but stopping herself. "The last one was a joke." He said, to her relief.

"No, it wasn't." Jamie said, seriously. "You're not going back to work until you're 100% and I believe you're 100%."

"I only need the doctor's note." Eddie said, as she rolled her eyes at him. "You're not the boss of me." She finalized, half joking. The way they looked at each other left no room for confusion. They were smiling at each other but Jamie was serious and his gaze towards her left no room for negotiation. She looked at him and finally just nodded her head. There was no way Jamie was backing down from this one.

Jamie rolled his eyes and smiled: "I know you Janko. You're going to be stir crazy by the end of day one and you are going to rush it. I'm not having it."

"I did think that a day or two after I got out would be good to return to work." Eddie admitted. "I mean as each day goes by I'm bound to feel better." She finalized, as she shrugged her shoulders at all of them.

"You're insane!" Jamie said. The rest of the Reagan's also agreed.

"Eddie. Please don't make me pull the Commissioner card. No return till you're 100% - and no minimizing your pain. Are we clear?"

"Clear sir." Eddie said.

"Besides - seeing as you got shot - you have a pick on any new assignment you want." Frank stated, as he raised his eyebrow at both Eddie and Jamie.

Eddie involuntarily squeezed Jamie's hand. She didn't want to be away from him. She didn't even want to think about losing Jamie. "I am happy right where I am." She found herself exclaiming almost immediately. A gut reaction to her mind processing losing Jamie

Jamie let a sigh of relief out. He hadn't realized he had been holding his breath. It would kill him to lose her as a partner but he had realized he wanted a relationship more than anything else. Could there be a way to possibly have both? He didn't know. And right now, it was too soon to even consider their options. She was going to be out at least a few weeks and by then he would know where her head was at. Jamie hoped she was still chasing – as he was – for a future with him. And the sacrifices they were willing to make to have that future together may mean the end of their partnership. But that was a conversation they needed to have privately before sharing it with the Reagan's and then the world.

"Okay." Frank said, knowing he should have not brought it up just yet. But he had to. He had to put it at the forefront of their minds. They had options now that they could take in order for them to be together.

"Nothing to worry about now." Henry said, as he saw the anxiousness in both Jamie and Eddie. "You will be off a few weeks and your main goal should be to recuperate."

Jamie and Eddie both smiled at him. "Agreed." Jamie said.

Most of the Reagan's cleared their throats after that exchange and each one of them had their opinions on how to handle the issue of Jamie and Eddie remaining partners or not. But now was not the time. They were a vocal bunch so they would be pulling them aside – individually and together – once Eddie was okay to deal with them. But they all had one consistent thought. Eddie would be able to handle the lot of them. She was going to fit right in.

They all laughed once Eddie said: "Well I don't know about you guys but I am starving and do not want hospital food. Any one up for some pizza?"

"On it." Nikki responded as she pulled out her phone from her back pocket.

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

The rest of the evening had transpired quickly. Pizza was ordered and after they ate they had all made an exit at the same time. They stayed visiting with Eddie and Jamie for almost two hours and while they had joked, had fun and assuaged their concerns about Eddie they knew that they probably wanted to spend some time together – alone.

"Jamie, I think we are going to head out now." Frank said. "Do you guys need anything else?"

"No Dad." Jamie said. "I do want to say thank you to all of you before you leave." Jamie started. "Having you all here means everything to me. Thank you. Simply thank you."

"There's nowhere else we would rather be." Danny spoke on behalf of all of them. "You just take care of your partner." Danny said, as he coughed out loud and semi rolled his eyes. "We will see you guys tomorrow."

They all approached Eddie and Jamie and said their goodbyes. "Jamie staying with you tonight?" Erin asked, as she winked her eye at her.

"I don't know." Eddie said, honestly. "But I hope so."

"He will. I don't think you can move him from here. Not even with a crane."

Eddie smiled and thanked her once again. She saw them all exit the door and saw Jamie walk them to the door, all of them hugging him, some clapping him on his back. He closed the door behind them all and smiled at her as he reached her bed.

He had held her hand the majority of the time his family had been there. The only time he let her go was when they were eating. And as the room got crowded he even sat on the edge of her bed so Henry could sit in his chair. He had made himself at home next to her as he wrapped his arm around her and with his other hand grasped the closest one to him. He had never been more thankful to Pop than at that moment.

"Your family is amazing." Eddie found herself saying. "I feel so special."

"They love you." Jamie said, as he leaned down and kissed her forehead and settled back in the bed with her.

"They love _you."_ Eddie said, as she looked up at him.

Jamie nodded his head. "True. And they have been great these past few days. But I'm serious Eddie. Somehow you have made each and every one of my family care for you."

"They were here the whole time I was out?"

"Yep." Jamie said, as he hugged her a bit tighter. "I was going insane." He started. "As best they could they kept me grounded."

"I'm glad you have them." Eddie said, as she lifted herself up a bit and turned slightly towards him.

"You ready to talk now?" Jamie asked.

"No hiding behind your family anymore huh?" she said, shyly and looked down.

"What's with you?" Jamie asked, as he smiled at her. "Normally you're the once chomping at the bit to talk."

She nodded her head and half smiled. "Seems to me we're talking about us. And this time I think there will be consequences."

Jamie nodded his head. "About time."

"We really doing this?" Eddie asked once again wanting to be sure. "There's no going back Jamie if we open the floodgates." They had kept them closed for so long that she didn't know how to open them. She had tried before and had failed and now she was just afraid of saying anything. It was his turn. The ball had been in his court for a long time and he hadn't acted. She couldn't put her heart out there again and be heartbroken.

Jamie stood up suddenly nervous. He paced the length of the bed back and forth and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I can't do this anymore Eddie."

Eddie closed her eyes. _**Here goes nothing.**_ "Can't do what anymore Jamie?"

"Lie. To you, to myself, to my family. To everyone."

Eddie nodded her head as emotions started to flood through her body. "About what?"

"You. Me. What I feel for you." God he was bad at this stuff. He just wanted to scream from the rooftops that he loved her. That he wanted to be with her. But his mind made a jumble of all his words that his heart could so eloquently put. _**What was he so afraid of?**_

"And what is it that you feel for me?" Eddie pushed. She wanted to hear him say it. She deserved that.

"You know what I feel for you." Jamie said, as he turned to her and met her gaze. "How can you not know?"

"I know the tidbits of what you tell me. I guess on the rest. And I can't do it anymore Jamie. I can't live on guessing with you. I want to know. Without a shadow of a doubt. You tell me you have feelings for me only after I admit it. Then you tell me that we can't act on them because it's a bad idea."

"We agreed."

"We did. But what choice did I have?" Eddie said, as her eyes filled with tears. "I can't make you want to be with me. I can't make you choose me instead of the job. So, I went with it. Because I would rather have you next to me as a partner than as nothing."

"Eddie…" Jamie started as he heard his voice crack. He cleared his throat. "I would never choose the job over you. Come on…"

"You do – each and every time."

"No. I don't."

"Well now you know how I feel. You can say the words I don't choose the job over you. But in my version of us it's you choosing the job over me. Every. Single. Time."

"I choose for us to remain partners because it's the only way I know how to protect you. I want to be the one having your back out there. And that's important to me. I don't trust anyone else."

 _ **And there it was.**_

"Jamie…a part of me gets that. Joe and Vinny have left you torn and without the capacity to trust anyone else to take care of the people you care about. But don't you see? What we're missing out on because of your fears? What we could be if you just let yourself run with your emotions? If you let your heart do the thinking for you instead of your head? For once."

"Eddie…I can't lose you." Jamie said, as he made his way to her hospital bed and captured her face in his hands. "I can't lose you." He repeated as he bent down and kissed her. For all the times he had wanted to and didn't. For all the times he had uttered in his head 'I love you' but didn't voice it. For all the times she had walked away from him and he bit his lip in order to not call out to her and to let her go. When all he had wanted to do – in that moment - was take her in his arms and hold her against him forever.

He let go of her lips briefly to say: "I love you. Nothing in this world is more important to me than you. I love you." Jamie uttered a breath away from her lips. "And I'm sorry." He said, as a solitary tear rolled down his cheek. "For making you feel that you were not the most important thing in my life. For making you doubt my love for you. I'm just sorry."

Eddie let out a shaky breath and captured his lips. It was her turn now. To kiss him for all the times she had wanted to and chickened out. For loving him from afar and hoping – sometimes against hope – that he felt the same way. She released his lips and uttered: "I love you Jamie." She recaptured them immediately again. He leaned in carefully and his hands moved to her hair pulling her closer as her hands around his neck egged him on.

"It's me and you." Jamie said. "No more regrets."

"Me and you." She repeated as she smiled and wiped her eyes.

Jamie pulled a bit further from her and raised his eyebrow. "So, am I gonna have to go and find Barry and punch him? Do I have to lay my claim as I did with that other dude at the wedding from hell?"

"So…you admit it?" Eddie gasped, jokingly.

"You knew." Jamie said, as he pecked her lips one more time. He didn't think he would ever tire of kissing her. And they also had to make up for lost time. "You knew it drove me crazy."

"But I wanted you to admit it."

Jamie rolled his eyes and chuckled. "Fine. I was jealous okay. So jealous that I didn't dance with you then because if I had I would have kissed you then and there in front of everyone. He was a douche though. But I knew I hurt you and that's why I wanted to make it up to you. So, I took you dancing."

"He was harmless." Eddie said. "Besides I only had eyes for you. But you weren't willing to see that then."

"He came at you pretty strong. I held myself together the first time. But seeing him just grab you at the wedding? I just snapped. And it was easy to blame it on the NYPD insults."

"Mmmm hmmmm." She said.

'What?" Jamie laughed as he situated himself more comfortably on the bed.

"Nothing. Thank you for admitting it. And Barry? It's true Jamie. He reached out a few days ago. What was I supposed to do? Huh? You and I were so far from admitting anything but a partnership. I had to try and forget you. And what does it mean that I didn't even think of reaching out to him when I woke up?"

"I know." Jamie said. "I don't know how I would have reacted even if this had not happened. My defenses were weakening."

Eddie yawned suddenly: "I'll talk to him. That is if he ever calls again. I think he may have gotten the picture already."

"I hope so. Cause I'm not playing. I'll kick his ass. And I think Danny'll help me."

"One. You don't need help and two, yeah Danny will most certainly help you. If only to enjoy the scene and referee."

Jamie and Eddie both laughed. Jamie saw Eddie yawn once again. "You're sleepy. Why don't you rest honey?"

"Honey? I like that. Stay with me."

"I'm not going anywhere." Jamie said, as he attempted to get off the bed to go to the sofa.

Eddie held on to him. "No…stay with me in bed. Sleep in the bed with me."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't."

Jamie smiled at her and met her halfway to kiss her lips once again. "Okay. Let me just take off my shoes."

"Anything else you want to take off Mr. Reagan?"

"Shut up." Jamie laughed. "Wait till I get you home."

"Can't wait."

For now, they were going to have to be content with sleeping in each other's arms for the first time. He was not letting her go.

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Regrets**_

 _ **Chapter 4**_

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

Jamie and Eddie saw the early morning light come in through the hospital window. They had slept on and off throughout the night and Jamie felt and knew that Eddie had some pain. When she slept and tried to move, her face would scrunch up in pain and he heard her moan in pain. Yet thankfully she still slept through most of her pain. He had tried to shift and even attempted to get off the bed a few times but her hand gripped his arm each and every time. It was as though she didn't want to let him go. He understood the feeling. He never wanted to let her go either. He had needed a wake- up call and her getting shot – while scary – had been the push that he needed to stop overthinking their relationship and finally just act on it.

"Good morning…" Eddie said, as she moaned in pain once again. "I think I may need more meds." She stammered out. While waking up next to Jamie was something she was elated about, her pain had been bothersome during the night. Both the doctor and Jamie might be right. She will need some time to recover before going back to work pain free. She just hoped she had the patience to stay home.

"Let me call the nurse." Jamie said, immediately getting out of bed. Her verbal acknowledgment propelled him into immediate action. He didn't want Eddie to feel any pain. And while he knew that would be impossible, being able to minimize it was his top priority right now.

"Can I at least get a good morning Eddie?" she said, as she smiled slightly.

"Good morning…" Jamie said, as he smirked and headed back to the bed, slightly scratching the back of his head. He bent down and took her lips in his. "Sorry…it's just that most of the night I knew you were in pain. And I want you to have some relief."

"I know." She admitted. "And trying to get out of bed as well. I could feel you trying to slip away." Eddie finalized, with a smile on her face and a peck to Jamie's lips.

Jamie laughed at that. "Geez. Here I'm trying to see if I can spare you pain and you're inflicting pain on me because I was trying to be thoughtful."

"Reagan…" Eddie started. "Shoot me…I wanted you in bed with me. I just…" Eddie suddenly stopped when she saw Jamie's face. "What's wrong?" she asked.

"The phrase 'shoot me' has taken on a very negative feeling for me. Not even joking do I want to think about shooting you, or you being shot again."

Eddie nodded her head. "I'm sorry. It is too soon. I didn't think. It's surreal to me, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Jamie asked, as he reached for her hand. Before letting her answer though he continued first: "It's not that it's too soon. It's that I can't fathom it but I can't forget about it either. I don't think I ever will be that scared in my life again. Or at least I hope not."

"It doesn't seem real to me Jamie. Don't get me wrong – the pain, the surgery, falling down the stairs, even the actual shot. They all come back to me in snippets. But I didn't see myself lying in the hospital bed, unconscious. I wasn't the one keeping vigil. If it were you instead of me – being shot that is – I don't know what I would have done. I think I would have crumpled to the floor and not been able to get up."

"I did." Jamie admitted. "Several times. I thought I was losing my mind." Jamie said, slightly shaking his head as thoughts and emotions he felt back then came to the forefront of his mind.

Eddie squeezed his hand. "Do you want to talk about it?" While Eddie knew that it wasn't her fault – what Jamie had gone through – she still felt guilty about what he went through. And knew if it had been her in his shoes – she may have folded. But Jamie didn't. And she loved him for that.

"I do want to talk about it." Jamie admitted. He had expressed his love for her the day before. There was no hiding his emotions from her now. "After I get the nurse. See if she can give you more pain meds."

"That sounds like an excellent idea." Eddie said.

The nurse walked in with Jamie a few minutes later and administered the pain meds. "That should ease the pain soon."

"Thank you." Both Jamie and Eddie said at the same time. The nurse smiled at them and made her exit.

Eddie turned to Jamie and said: "Come here. Sit next to me."

Jamie did as instructed and pulled the chair closer to her.

"Now, where were we?" Eddie asked.

Jamie knew exactly where they had left off. "How I felt like I was going insane." He answered immediately. "How – for a brief second – before the pain set in that I might lose you - I felt that my own life and my own heart had stopped. I couldn't breathe once I realized you were shot."

Eddie just looked at him and was about to speak when he continued: "I was in a panic. The ambulance, getting to the hospital, it's all a blur. But I do remember having to have two security guards grab me by each arm because I was fighting with the nurses and the doctor to let me into the operating room."

"Jamie…" Eddie said, as she felt her eyes fill with tears. Looking at Jamie, it seemed like he was transported back to that date and time and reliving it was making him feel it all over again.

Jamie continued: "I don't even know when my family got here. Or how long it took them. My heart was beating so fast. I thought I was having a heart attack. But I stood grounded and quiet. Because speaking out loud was impossible. I actually feared if I opened my mouth, I would only be able to wail. So, I kept it shut. And that's when I realized – that it didn't matter. I didn't give a shit about the job, or what they would say, I had to tell you how I felt before it was too late."

"Jamie…" Eddie said, once again. "Come here." Jamie leaned his head into her and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him as he let out a ragged sigh.

"I'm so sorry." Eddie said. "I'm the one that was shot but you were the one that had to live with the torment of not knowing what was going to happen to me. And I think that may be worse. I love you." She admitted, as she kissed the top of his head. "And I am here. And I will make a full recovery. And we got to say to one another how we felt and moving forward – come what may – we are going to be together. I promise you…Jamie look at me." Eddie instructed. Jamie raised his head to look into her eyes, He saw the emotion and the tears inside of them. "I promise you – whether we are on patrol together or not, I am going to be careful and I will be as safe as I possibly can. I know this scared you. It would have scared me if I thought I might lose you. But honey, I'm right here and you're stuck with me. I'm not going anywhere."

"And you'll be honest and tell the doctor and me if anything still hurts. And you won't go back to work till you're 100%?"

"I promise you." She said. "I will not return to work until the doctor says so."

She bent down and sweetly kissed his lips. "Happy?"

"Yes." Jamie replied, as he wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He let out a sigh of relief. She had promised to be careful and that was all he could ask for. "I love you." Jamie found himself telling her.

"I love you." Eddie declared. "I have for a long time."

"Me too."

"You know it's funny." Eddie started. "We just got together. We just told each other 'I love you'. And it seems like we have been together forever. Like we skipped the first few dozen dates."

"Well for sure the first couple awkward ones. And then the ones in which we wonder when and how we are going to say the I love you's."

"Ha! Well we didn't skip those because I know I wondered when and how – or if ever – I would get the chance to tell you after I woke up and after Barry left and after your family skedaddle out of here yesterday."

Jamie nodded his head in agreement as he smirked. "Yeah. I guess you're right. But that wasn't a date per se…"

"Oh don't go all lawyery on my babe." Eddie laughed out loud and then smiled: "So you love me right?" Eddie smiled, sheepishly.

"Yes..." Jamie said, as he raised his eyebrows. He had a feeling a request was coming in a few seconds.

"So, feed me!" Eddie muttered, triumphantly. "And not hospital food Reagan! Like a bagel with the good cream cheese at least. And real coffee! Like an extra-large coffee."

"How about bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant?"

"I knew I loved you because you were brilliant!"

"And the strongest coffee?"

"Get out of here already!"

Jamie laughed out loud. "I'm going babe. I'm going." As he leaned in, kissed her and made his way to the door.

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_

Eddie spent an additional four days in the hospital. And each night Jamie stayed with her and she slept wrapped in his arms. They did separate a few times a night as the nurses checked on her but they smiled at them and let Jamie get back into bed with her. The nurses were familiar with Eddie and Jamie on the job and off the job. Off the job because this was the hospital where Linda worked. And although she took care of Jamie and Eddie and whomever they brought in, Linda always shared with them how much her family meant to her. And on the job because after Linda's tragic death they had been the ones to help Jamie and Eddie when they needed help.

"I can't believe I get to go home today." She told Janet, her morning nurse. "I am going crazy here. Not that you all haven't been wonderful."

Janet laughed: "But you want to go home with your beautiful partner and apparently now your man."

"Yes." Eddie admitted, as her face lit up at the mention of Jamie's name. "He's been great. But I want to be at home, in my bed."

"Mmmm...hmmmm." Janet said, as she laughed. "I expect you to be discharged around noon."

"Thanks again." Eddie said.

"And I know you have deduced this from your surgery and also from the fall, you are not to have any extenuating activity for the next few weeks. The doctor will have more information for you. But basically, if it hurts don't do it."

"Even as much as I want to do some activities."

"Exactly. So where is our handsome Jamie today? I am surprised he is not here."

"He had to get my apartment ready with groceries and some other stuff. I am not so sure how much I can manage. Maybe go pick up my prescriptions and then straight to my couch."

"Yes, you need to take it easy."

"10-4" Eddie winked at Janet, as she saw her head to the door and smiled to herself. She had waited for five years. She could wait a little longer. She was still over the moon that her and Jamie had finally admitted to one another their true feelings. Sex? While she was feigning for it, who was she kidding, she could wait a bit longer. As long as Jamie slept by her side. She would be all right.

She reached for her phone. Jamie had left about an hour ago and as sappy as it sounded, she missed him.

 _E – Uhmm…can you please buy some Oreos?_

 _J – Uhmm…already went to the grocery store but you're in luck! I bought you some._

 _E – Really? You know me so well…_

 _J – And I got ice cream but no worries, I got healthy snacks and food too._

 _E – :-(_

 _J – Ha! Ha! See you soon honey. I'm on my way to my dad's for a bit but will be there to drive you home._

 _E – Nurse said I should be discharged by noon._

 _J – I'll be there way before then. Love you._

 _E – Would you think me too sappy if I told you that I miss you?_

 _J – No. Cause I miss you too._

 _E – Get here as fast as you can. Luv u!_

Jamie arrived at his dad's house and smiled. He knew that he had to talk to everyone in his family but he felt that the first family member – and the one aside from Danny – that may be easy to dissuade was Pop.

"Pop?" He muttered as he opened the door.

"In the kitchen Jameson." Henry said.

Jamie walked into the kitchen and saw his grandfather sitting down reading the paper and having a cup of coffee. "It's so good to see you. How's the lovely Edit?"

"Better Pop. I am going to go and pick her up around noon. She's finally getting to go home."

"Will you be joining her there?" Pop asked, as he raised his coffee cup and smiled.

"Yes." Jamie said, without hesitation. "I told her how I feel and she feels the same way. There's no reason to wait anymore. Or to take things slow. I'm all in. She's all in."

"What does that mean for your partnership?" Henry asked. "You know you can't work together anymore."

"That's just it Pop." Jamie said, as he served his own cup of coffee. "I have been in love with her for years. And it hasn't hindered my protecting her and putting the job first. She has been in love with me as well and I know that she has my back 100%. I am sure we can make both work."

"But now that it's out there and not the elephant in the room can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you don't think things will change?"

"Yes, I can. I have no doubt about it."

"Jameson…" Pop started. "Come on son. What if you guys have a fight? What if you guys are not talking to each other? What if you're more concerned with saving her than you are a civilian?"

"We can do this Pop. I know we can. And I want your support. Or at least you willing to listen to my – our – side of the story."

"There are rules Jamie. Partners should not be in a physical or emotional relationship."

"But many are…"

"And there's repercussions to that isn't there? You and Eddie have waited this long because you wanted to do the right thing. Finish it son. Finish doing the right thing." Jamie was about to protest but Henry put his hand out. "Just think about it son. That's all. And I promise I will think about it as well. If anyone can pull off a partnership and a relationship it's you and Eddie. But if you're in for the long haul, then start your romantic life with Eddie and work will take care of itself. With another partner."

"I feel that I would be lost without her in the RMP." Jamie confessed. "That is where I got to know her deepest secrets. Where I found out about her insecurities. Where I fell in love with her. Where I have fought with her. Where she has taken me to the brink of insanity then brought me right back. Where I have wanted to kiss her, kill her, strangle her, hug her, hold her in my arms and comfort her. All in the span of a day. We have formed a life in that RMP."

"I get it Jamie but wouldn't you rather have her in your life – as your girlfriend, fiancé or future wife? See what life would be like with her in your personal space?"

"I do want to marry her Pop. I wanted to ask her as soon as she opened her eyes if I'm honest with myself."

"Jamie…you guys haven't even dated." Pop scoffed.

"Oh, we have." Jamie shrugged his shoulders. "Even though we dated other people we always seemed to come back to one another. Our other relationships never worked out but us? Together? We always had a good time and started spending more and more time together. I call that time dating. After our first year riding together I wanted to be with no one else. Eddie was all I thought about and Eddie was all I wanted."

"I guess you're right Jamie." Pop acknowledged. "So, you're sure? You want to propose?"

"Yes. And soon."

"Okay." Pop said, laughing out loud suddenly. "I am so proud of you son. And you have my support Jamie. Anything you need. I believe in you and in Eddie. If you tell me you can handle being both in a relationship and as partners, then I will advocate for you. God knows after this talk how anyone can think any differently than you do is beyond me."

"Really Pop?" Jamie asked, a smile forming and reaching his eyes.

"Yes. But you have to think strategically Jamie. Find the rule. Read it and analyze it. Then come with several solutions and scenarios. When you go to Frank or when we go to Frank we need to be prepared. I personally would rather know what we are up against."

"I will start my research Pop. I promise. And I promise you, you will not be sorry for supporting us. We will not let you down Pop."

Pop just smiled and approached Jamie and leaned in a for a hug. "You deserve happiness Jameson. And I think that your happiness is so intertwined with Eddie's that without her you couldn't be happy."

"You got that right." Jamie acknowledged. "She is my everything."

 _ **Jamko…Jamko…Jamko…Jamko**_


End file.
